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Plentiful bandwidth, virtually free storage, and internet connected cameras has translated into a glut of online video. When anyone can upload to the online panopticon, it’s only a matter of time before people start exploiting the web’s massive audience to crowdsource moonwalks, personal interpretations of the Mos Eisley Cantina scene, ads, or homemade porn—for fun and for profit.

Well, guess what? I don’t want to see your videos. Not the ones you’ve uploaded at least.

The proliferation of cameras everywhere makes it less and less likely that you are ever not being recorded and uploaded the minute you do something remotely interesting. See, for instance, Hong Kong Bus Uncle, the infamous “don’t tase me, bro” (which I find so distasteful that I refuse to link to it), Chinese Airport Woman, and el niñato de Valencia. But again, these are actions performed in public—the operating assumption has to be that someone is recording. And with sites that make live broadcasting as easy as hitting a button on your phone (UStream for instance) popping up like nefarious little mushrooms, it’s entirely possible that your public meltdown will be captured and transmitted live and from several different angles. Totally unscripted reality TV, it’s like your real life, only more interesting.

But not to me. I’m more interested, at least for the purposes of this argument, in recording deviously, either in secret or with unacknowledged intentions. At some point in the future, it’s conceivable to imagine that there will be no place where one is legally protected from being filmed and/or photographed. Or when there are just so many people and devices filming and uploading so many things that prosecuting them all will be impossible, which is functionally equivalent. It is from said future that the ideas that follow come.

What if I created an iPhone app that requires you to hold the device up to your ear as if you were talking on the phone (or when you’re actually talking on a phone with an open source platform) entirely as a pretense to upload video the camera on the back of the phone is recording without your knowledge. There would probably be a lot of hands in the way, but that would make it easier to filter through the results in software. You’d never be in the video so it would be hard to definitively identify it as yours.

A slightly more elaborate variation on that theme would be to build cameras into other devices. One of the big payoffs for me of the Eternal Moonwalk mentioned above is that the majority of people tend to moonwalk across their living rooms, so you get to see the insides of people’s homes all over the world. What if everyone who bought a Roomba were unwittingly inviting an autonomous, wireless streaming surveillance camera into their home? The easiest way I can think of doing this is embedding cameras into particularly nice pieces of furniture left out on New York City sidewalks.

Page scraping and iframes offer another interesting alternative video source which might actually be much less illegal since technically you’re not moving the video from its original location. Instead, you’re finding video content, preferably unembeddable proprietary stuff, and using a web script to strip away any surrounding material and reproduce it in a different place—and it never moves from its original location.

My favorite approach, though, is simply to lie about your intentions. It might be as simple as creating a video high score board for an online game, where instead of their initials, people leave a ten-second taunt for the players they’ve just displaced. A database filled with video taunts has many potential uses. It might be more complicated, for instance creating an online application that uses face detection to perform some non-camera-related function—shaking your head to pan an image back and forth for instance—so that when the application requests access to the user’s web camera, he thinks nothing of pressing “OK,” never suspecting that his face is being displayed on a billboard somewhere across the globe with the supertitle “Did you know that 1 in 3 people has genital herpes?”

Or, as I discovered in the process of writing this post, offer some sort of online video conversion. Video formats are confusing as hell. Put up an all-in-one converter, make it look slick, and simply “keep a backup copy” of people’s video when people upload it!


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